Hello again! It has been quite a while since my last post. So now it's time to play catch up.
All the way back in May of 2019 my husband and I found out we were pregnant! Exciting right?! Well that news honestly freaked me out quite a bit and made me so nervous that I couldn't post anything personal for almost a year. I've got to say being pregnant was a strange time. In my normal life I am a generally hyper-anxious person. Pregnancy made my anxiety triple. Not to mention my year was full of change, as always. We moved into our own place in a brand new town, I had to change doctors, get used to seeing a different doctor each visit, new insurances, bills of all sorts..it was just a season of navigating adulthood through forced necessity rather than a gradual curve. Because of all of that and having little to no confidence that I was doing anything correctly or in the right order, I decided for my mental state to just take a break from blogging and doing virtually no creative work. Also, Cody and I had switched chore roles, so he took over most of the cooking for me.
This past year was difficult. I was stretched mentally to my breaking point and back regularly. We had a lot of things that came up which made me anxious and it was truly only by the grace of God that we scraped by. If I wasn't pregnant I don't think we could have made it as far as we did. A lot of my woes were from financial burden. I never thought I would be someone who used government services for my weekly groceries and if I'm being honest before I became pregnant I wasn't even aware of services such as WIC. Now, thanks to a few close friends, I have been utilizing programs that fit where I am in my life. They have really been a lifesaver and I find myself embarrassed at my prior ignorance. Especially considering I've worked in libraries for nine years now and pride myself on finding resources.
I have mentioned it before, but each day I am continually amazed at how God provides for our needs. I'm not saying that I have everything I want in life. I'm not saying that I know how to navigate through all of my hardships. But what I am saying, is that specifically for my life I have had moments nearly every month this year where I didn't know how we would pay our bills. I have dived into multiple budgeting apps and free seminars, articles and podcasts, anything and everything that could help us thrive. By now it feels like I'm a professional budget master, but it's hard to feel successful when your budget exceeds your spending. This is a problem that I haven't fully fixed. It's not because I overspend on my weekly shopping trips. If I go to the grocery store I have my WIC vouchers now and I rarely spend over $45 a week. My average is still around $35 weekly. Our problem is that we truly just need to increase our monthly income. There is no way around it. But because the singular problem is that we haven't been able to increase our income, and we HAVE been successfully paying our bills each month (some months with more creativity than others), that I know God is looking out for us. He has to have some sort of plan, otherwise why would he bless us so frequently?
Every month I have a recurring thought, "Is this the month I'm going to be taught a lesson in tough love?" My worry is that we won't be able to pay our electric, or gas, or rent. Maybe we would have to live out of my car (which is also not in its prime to say the least). What would we do if we were homeless? Would I still be able to receive a direct deposit if we didn't have an address? If we were homeless would we be able to even afford a PO Box? While I'm thankful that I haven't had to learn the answers to any of these questions, they constantly float around in my head. Alongside these thoughts is this passage:
New International Version (NIV)
Trials and Temptations
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
James is a complex book. It's quite possibly my favorite biblical book. It's the one that I think about the most because I find it to be the one I understand the least. These verses bring about so many emotions. While it initially encourages, for me it brings about all of my negative emotions stemming from insecurity. Am I strong? How about strong enough? What if I quit before I find out that I can be strong enough? At what point am I quitting and at what point am I just gathering myself to reset? If I have anxiety during my 'trial' does that mean that I'm incomplete? I'm supposed to put my anxieties on God, but if I'm still anxious does that mean I'm not correctly talking to God? And how do I course correct that behavior? What if I never figure that out? If I have to take medication for anxiety is that me being smart and using the resources around me to help what I mentally lack, or am I just taking the easy way out? If it is the easy way out, and I keep doing it, where does that put me? And beyond that if I emotionally don't find it to be wrong and readily promote the use of modern medication but somehow, God seems to think I could get by without medication, how would I know and would that be a sin?
My rabbit hole continues for a few hours, but you get the gist.
My main point though, isn't that I have all of these questions and worries, but that somehow
every month we have gotten by without going under. A lot of that is from the generosity of family and friends along with the timing of various holidays. I'm just extremely thankful to all of those who have been there for us throughout the year. It has really been a rough one and I don't know where we would be without all of those many blessings.
Currently I am getting used to being a mother. It has its own unique challenges, one of which is functioning on significantly less sleep. I'm so grateful that Cody is able to take many of the nighttime feedings. He is an exceptional partner and father. I would not be able to go through this without him. We love our little boy, Warren. He is two months now, beginning to smile socially and getting more curious of the outside world everyday. So far I've only had a couple breakdowns relating to motherhood and not feeling like I measure up. I'm hoping that I can keep my false sense of confidence for long enough to gain some real confidence.
And that's where I'm at right now. A new mom. Unsure about the future, but looking towards it nonetheless.
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